Nonviolent Communication

‘You never listen to me.’ The sentence is understandable when frustration has built up over time. To the other person, however, it can quickly sound like a judgement on their whole character. The response is then often not ‘Tell me more’ but ‘That's simply not true.’ An important concern becomes an argument about who is right.

Marshall B. Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication offers another approach. Its focus is not particularly friendly wording, but the question: How can people honestly express what they perceive and need while remaining open to the other person's perspective?

1. Distinguish observation from judgement

Rosenberg's process is often described through four elements: observation, feeling, need and request. The first step sounds simple but is demanding: naming a concrete perception without immediately mixing it with a diagnosis or moral judgement. ‘You looked at your phone three times while I was explaining’ is more verifiable than ‘You aren't interested in me’.

This does not mean judgements are forbidden. It means recognising them as our own interpretation. This makes it possible to discuss what actually happened and what different explanations might apply.

2. Express feelings and needs responsibly

The next step turns attention inward: what does the situation trigger in me, and what concern lies behind it? Anger, for example, may relate to a desire for reliability, respect or participation. A need is not the same as a concrete strategy. ‘I need you to stay tonight’ already specifies what the other person should do. The underlying concern might be closeness or support – and there may be more than one way to provide it.

This distinction widens the scope for action. It does not absolve anyone of responsibility, but makes clearer what needs protecting or enabling.

3. A request leaves a choice

A request describes as concretely as possible what would help now. It differs from a demand in how we respond to a no. A no need not end the conversation; it can signal that something important is also at stake for the other person.

Nonviolent Communication is therefore not a four-sentence formula that automatically produces agreement. Used mechanically, it can seem artificial or controlling. Its value lies in the attitude: observing more closely, taking responsibility for how we express ourselves and looking for the other person's concern even behind a difficult reaction.

Your exercise: translate an accusation

Choose a sentence you think or want to say in a tense situation. Take three minutes:

1. Minute 1 – observation. What would be concretely visible on camera or in a record of events?
2. Minute 2 – feeling and concern. What do you feel, and what matters to you in this situation?
3. Minute 3 – request. What specific action could you ask for? Check whether the other person can realistically agree, decline or offer a counterproposal.

‘You never take me seriously’ could become: ‘When neither of my two suggestions was taken up today, I felt disappointed. It matters to me that my perspective is considered. Can you tell me what speaks for or against the second suggestion?’

What we take from this

Within the Future Skills Framework this approach particularly strengthens dialogue, empathy and constructive handling of tensions. Within WEITER7 the translation can serve as a small experiment: choose a specific conversational moment, phrase it differently and then observe what changes.

Which judgement in a current conflict could I first translate into a concrete observation and a clear request?

Context: This insight summarises selected elements of Rosenberg's approach in our own words. The example, exercise and framework allocation are our own applications. The model guarantees neither agreement nor freedom from conflict. In cases of violence, threats, abuse or substantial power imbalances, protection, boundaries and professional support take priority over an attempt at communication.

Sources and further reading: Official book page at PuddleDancer Press ↗ · Center for Nonviolent Communication ↗